Saturday, July 09, 2005

thoughts for no one, everyone, and myself

It's easy to get caught up in being impressed with certain qualities in people. Career success, wealth, academic pursuits, beauty. And eventually it hits -- you realize that the pretty and the wealthy and so forth... if that's all they are, then they are a dime a dozen. It's been feeling difficult to meet people who have a good heart. Who give a shit about the world. Who want to get involved in making life as we know it a better place.

Common sense tells us this is so. That these are the people we should seek out, treasure, and hold onto. But even the most alruistic types can be prone to being blinded by false markers of "good" and "successful." Your degree, your six-figure salary, your savings account, your car, your new condo, your byline. These are good things. But nothing without having your heart and mind and soul in the right place. It's politics and means to the end aside. Where and what is your end? This is what I want to know.

It's easy to get caught up with the party, the glamour, the social life. You go out, press flesh, schmooze, and socialize. You drink. You smoke. You pop a pill. You do a line. You toast. You cheer. This is fun. You are fun. You do it sometimes. You do it on the weekends. You do it during the week. You do it every day. One time fades into the next. You're a rock star, you're a socialite, you're the life of the party. It becomes the party. You fade into the background -- the physical takes precedent, and what once was meaningful starts to feel cheap and material. What club are we at? What restaurant? What band are we going to see? Even the people become props. Who's here? Whose hand did I shake? Whose card did I get?

I know that it's not a party if it happens every night. Pretending there's glamour and candelabra, when you're drinking by candlelight.

The first time I heard "This Place is A Prison" by The Postal Service, it confirmed to me how easy it is to get lost in this mess. And how hard it is to watch us be consumed by this. I want to burn copies of this song and hand it out to you. I want to call you and leave this on your answering machine. But I know this is childish. You might not hear what I hear in this song. You might not know why I gave it to you. You might think I like it because the music is pretty and sad. You might totally get it, and just ignore it, and say I left this for you because I thought you'd like how it sounds.

I want to tell you. I want to talk to you about this. All of you. All of me. You're too good for this. You're one of the good people, you see. Your heart is in the right place, and you want to make a difference, and you want to get involved. You are smart, you are talented, and most importantly, you are caring and kind. And you should not be lost and you should not be consumed. You are better than this. You deserve more. And so do I. It's hard for me to watch this wave wash over us and pull us in. Are we pissing away our lives? Are we throwing away everything we worked for? Sometimes it feels like there's not many of us. Not when I turn on the TV or open the newspaper and see all this pain and suffering and war and anger. And then I see people who are sick and dying and suffering for reasons beyond their control, and I get mad at how we're ruining ourselves, how they'd give anything for our lives. Our lives we are slowly destroying and losing. And this is why it hurts. It hurts to watch, and to care so much. It's hard when I'm doing the same thing. When I don't even know how to fix myself. I don't know what to do. I don't know when to do it. I don't know if I can.

What does it take? How long must I wait?


Blogger hermance said...

I don't have much of insight to add, except that I've always been moved by "This Place is a Prison." I know that feeling of wanting to share it with people. This was a really good post. That is all.

Sunday, July 10, 2005 12:15:00 PM  
Anonymous Steph said...

Just wanted to say that this was an amazing blog. It really hits you when you take a moment to stop and look at your life. I have felt all of these feelings before too. Thanks for sharing!!!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005 3:42:00 PM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Thanks for putting up with/enjoying the emo outburst, y'all.

Thursday, August 04, 2005 12:16:00 AM  
Anonymous John said...

Just browsing the site, and yes, it is very emotional. I found your blog while reading several from people here in Nashville.

Glad to have read a small pice of your life. Very interesting.

Will check it out again...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005 8:33:00 PM  

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