Thursday, April 08, 2004

It's one of those weeks where it feels like my head is going to explode. For one, allergies. Motherfucking allergies. I've been feeling this urge to scratch my skin off and claw my eyes out. Last night I was so jacked up on allergy meds that I ended up laying in bed, mind racing and overthinking. And rather randomly, I started to think about past relationships. Motherfucking relationships. In particular, thinking about one which ended, in my mind, abruptly. Not abrupt in the "I didn't see it coming" sense, but moreso because I just think it's weird to end a 4+ year relationship over the phone. It weirds me out to thinking about running into this person again, considering the last time I saw him we were all "Bye! See you later! Smooches!" (Okay, I've never said 'Smooches', but you get the idea.) So, I guess the main thing I spent the night thinking about is "closure." Motherfucking closure. It's difficult to tease apart the reasons behind wanting to contact an ex, and the word that first comes to mind is "closure." However, I worry that the concept of closure is a guise, and that I have subconscious motives for such thoughts. This isn't a new thought -- it comes up every once in a while. But for some reason, last night I spent a solid hour on this idea, wondering why this is still an issue, wondering when it would stop being an issue, wondering if it'll only stop being an issue if I do something about it... then wondering if I'm setting myself up for emotional drama. (Motherfucking drama!) And back again.

All this when I need to be really thinking about things to do with the parents. Mother.... and father! Visiting! Arriving in eight and a half hours! EEK!

I should finish cleaning my apt. now. Good to get that off my chest, though.

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